Disclaimer: The views expressed in this web log are the personal opinions of Ian D Smith, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the staff or members of the Official Lord of the Rings fan club. Lessons Learned With only a couple of days left before the madness that is Comic-Con arrives, and a schedule that is getting more hectic by the day, now seems as good a time as any to review my two days so far in LA using them to compose a lessons learnt for my fellow travellers!

				1. There is a reason they put an alarm clock in your hotel room If insomnia/jet lag means you were up at 4am feeling like it was midday and you then decided at 9am to take a 5 minute nap which somehow turned into 3 hours your schedule can get really messed up. This becomes particularly obvious when you have a whole load of phone calls to make (Warner Brothers studio tour tickets have to be bought at least a week in advance; TV show tickets require phoning around the agencies to check availability etc), have an early evening engagement with another Ringer, and had also intended to cram a trip around Paramount Studios into the day too! (Oops! That'll now have to happen tomorrow) 2. Always read the small print When a tourist map shows a whole series of places of interest just 40 minutes walk from your hotel room - showing them all nicely clustered in the bottom left hand corner of a simple, clearly labelled map - don't assume the map is intended to show you the physical location of those places of interest! It might just be that the map makers were desparate for things to include and decided to hide the fact that those places are actually physically located a few miles off the map! I'm sure the California Science Center makes a great day out, but when a large numbered location dot on 7th street can actually be used by Fodor's 2002 Guide to Los Angeles to denote an attraction that is actually way past 30th street I'm not going to be able to confirm that! Doh! 3. Never, on a whim, get a haircut in a foreign city Especially if it's in a very pricey "massage oils and body care" shop Or if the shop is empty, despite being in a VERY busy part of downtown LA Or if the hairdresser is Russian. Some people will tell you a haircut can make you look younger. They are usually lying!
4. If you want to hear a half hour lecture on what's wrong with America today, go for a haircut Ideally you should get the haircut from a Russian. And if at all possible, a Russian who has been resident in LA for more than 10 years and really resents the fact!

		5. Always lie about your age If sensitive about how old you look NEVER answer a direct question about your age. Especially if the question is asked by a hairdresser. Hairdressers ALWAYS tell you that you look a lot younger, which will make you feel good. For about 5 seconds. Five seconds is the approximate time the hairdresser, who by the way is guaranteed to look at most half your age, will take to tell you that she's older than you. 6. If you're gay and don't want people to know, TRY and act butch rather than camp Unless of course you're naively crossing through Pershing Square on a Sunday - when the large number of "single" men standing around in fixed positions may assume that your mean demeanour is giving out some sort of predatory signals you never intended! Another tip: When touring the oldest fire station in Los Angeles, possibly about the worst thing you can do (trust me on this!) is point at the exhibit on a wall and exclaim in a loud, camp voice "Oooooooh! Just look at all those dirty old helmets"! 6. A leapord can't change its spots (or "Once a sad geeky nerd, always a sad geeky nerd") Hairdresser: "What's your job?" Sad geeky nerd: "Computers" Hairdresser: "I could tell as soon as you walked in! All you're missing is the glasses." This last sentence, by the way, is your cue to drop your previously hidden glasses case on the floor with a loud clatter! 7. A "wet" shave doesn't just mean "use water" Peter Jackson allegedly spent over 100 million dollars making "Lord of the Rings". A large portion of that budget went to Richard Taylor and the Weta special effects team to create various monster nasties with ugly faces and great gaping sores. Amateurs! They could have saved a fortune by recruiting a bunch of sad geeky nerd Brits, advising them not to bring any shaving foam but to attempt a wet shave as soon as they arrived for filming! 8. Downtown LA is best toured on foot So long as you avoid Los Angeles street! Additonal tip: Avoid those "comfy" sandals that are great for pottering around your hotel room but a completely different story when traipsing miles around downtown LA (although a great way of getting that orc-ish feet look - see 7 above!) 9. When the Japenese nod "Yes" they usually mean "No" An affirmative nod from the Japanese is an automatic sign of respect, accorded to all foreign visitors. So when you ask "Is it OK if I go eat now?" that seemingly affirmative nod of agreement is actually saying "For God's sake, No! Have you seen yourself in those shorts? Are these British tourists mad or what?! And have they never heard of after-shave? Or washing before they go out?" 10. Never use the phrase "No worries" On hearing your English "accent" 90% of Americans will assume you're Australian. The other 10% will fall in with the rest if you're stupid enough to use the above phrase, even if it's delivered in the plummiest colonial Brit accent you can muster! 11. 25 + 25 sometimes equals 60 Just because your cab driver has a sign saying a half hour journey from the airport to ANYWHERE in downtown L.A. will cost no more than $30 does NOT mean that a journey of half the time or duration will cost any less - it may cost more! Especially if you're wearing a t-shirt saying "I am a dumb, nerdy geek tourist. Please rip me off" (Editor's note: if you don't have such a t-shirt a digital camera and assorted lenses will usually suffice instead!).
Egyptian Theater Trip - "Pedicab Driver"

Cathy (Garfeimao from TORn) had invited me to a special showing of "Pedicab Driver" at the Egyptian Theatre (the cinema where "Lord of the Rings" premiered) in Hollywood. We met up first for a quick bite and a gossip at Mr Ramen's, just across the road from my hotel. We both ordered chicken soup with garlic and spinach. For a small surcharge you could order a "large" version - I'm glad we didn't, as the standard size was enough to feed a small family of four! During our conversation Cathy revealed she had just been made a staff member of TORn - understandable given all her hard work (she had been the main organiser behind the TORn Oscar Party in March). "Pedicab Driver" is a Hong Kong movie, and tonight's presentation, sponsored by the Asian Film Foundation, featured a Questions and Answers session with the film's director, Sammo Hung. I don't pretend to know anything about Hong Kong movies but, checking The Interactive Movie Database I was pleased to see the film had been awarded 8 out of 10 as an average score. Generally, in my experience, anything with a rating over 6 on this site is a movie worth seeing. The tickets for the event were in the form of fortune cookies (mine read "Fortune truly helps those who attend non-profit events" - that'll be me then!). As we entered the main foyer various canapées were being offered around and it became clear this was going to be more than just a trip to the movies. We avoided the reception crowd to get good seats in the middle of a nice modern viewing room. We were first treated to a short documentary on Sammo Hung's film career, as both actor and director. The documentary talked about Hung's role in Bruce Lee's "Enter the Dragon" through his spoof movies like "Enter the Fat Dragon" and "Close Encounters of the Spooky Kind", and his work with the likes of Jackie Chan. The movie itself, which was subtitled, was a real treat - very silly in places (highlight for me being Hung's Kung Fu moves with a pair of tennis raquets), but also very "laugh out loud" funny, whilst also being at times very moving and featuring some of the most incredible action sequences I've ever seen. Some of the work, despite being over 25 years old was very innovative. After the screening Hung was interviewed by a local film critic and then questions were thrown open to the floor. Hung is quite a comedian - not just in his films, but also in real life and talked about the difficulty and danger of some of the incredible stunts we'd seen: "I broke my legs several times. I broke my arms three times. And I broke my heart many, many times". We were then shown a short showreel of Hung's work which included some "behind the scenes" footage. All-in-all it was quite an evening, and although I don't pretend to be a big kung fu fan, I shall be looking out further examples of Mr Hung's work when I return to the UK. His zany humour shines throughout all his work and despite the sometimes quite gory violence, his films all appear to have a high "feel good" factor.

Click here for report for July 30th - Paramount Pictures Studio Tour and Santa Monica Boulevard