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Many years ago, when movies used to always have a supporting feature, I saw a documentary on Venice which featured a narrative written and performed by John Cleese. The film was a serious, rather turgid 'obvious filler' documentary that would have been instantly forgettable, save for one single commentary line that appeared without warning about ten minutes into the feature. In a scene that showed for the third time a shot of the local boats Cleese's dulcet tones said '..and oh look, more f***ing gondolas'. It brought the cinema audience to life, and today I feel I know how John Cleese felt as I take more and more shots of the local countryside that should probably be captioned '... and oh look, more f***ing mountains'!
The problem is that although the scenery is stunning, and subtly changing as our coach travels across the South Island, no photo's can really capture what it's like to actually be here in the middle of it. A fellow traveller agrees, "I'm not showing anyone any pictures. It's pointless", he says, "I'm just going to tell them they have to come here to find out for themselves".
		We've had another early start, but barely 10 minutes from the hotel we stop for a rest break at Mossburn 'the deer capital of New Zealand'. An intriguing fruit shop is available for those who've missed breakfast, or just want to pick up something fresh (honey, complete with honeycomb anyone?). The previous day, in Alexandra, I've issued a challenge to our tour guide, Ben as to who can sample the most flavours of ice cream before the end of the trip. I catch him sneaking off to a corner of the small stone warehouse - where it transpires that ice cream is being sold. Alas, he overtakes my pitiful count of three, as even with my sweet tooth I can't really face ice cream, no matter how excellent it is, for breakfast. I settle for a couple of peaches instead, which prove to be much firmer and less tasty than I'd hoped. These are consumed to the side of the warehouse by a rather beautiful rose garden. We're soon on our way and the scenery subtly changes as we find the mountains getting closer. The coach TV screens are again showing documentaries from the extended edition of 'The Two Towers' DVD and it's bizarre that we suddenly find they're showing location documentaries about the Rohan fields we visited yesterday. Clearly I'm not enough of a 'real' fan as I find myself thinking the DVD makes a nice souvenir of the sites we visited, which I hadn't really recognised, rather than the other way round (the sites we visited making a nice souvenir of those used in the movie). Without warning we turn onto a rather bumpy road, and eventually stop by a padlocked fence which we're told is the location for The Fangorn Forest - the scene where the pile of dead orcs is burning and where Aragorn breaks two toes kicking an orc helmet towards the camera in frustration at the assumed loss of the two hobbits, Merry and Pippin. The location is also believed to be that used when Gandalf emerges from Fangorn forest to whistle to his horse, Shadowfax. There is much confusion and time spent trying to work out precisely where the Shadowfax location is, with Ben using his mobile GPS device and the Ian Brodie location guide to try and fix the exact spot. Suddenly a car drives up and stops by the coach. The two male occupants get out and start talking animatedly to the coach driver. There are concerns that we are trespassing (our guides seem unsure as to whether or not we are, which inadvertently raises the adrenalin levels a little higher) and the two gentlemen slowly make their way towards us, while the tour guides wander off to find another exit. It transpires the two gents are just two more fans, using the Brodie book to try and find the film location. Sighs of relief and nervous jokes all round! Panic over, an attempt is made to 'emulate' the orc pile, but once again we're a pretty apathetic lot as most of us don't really want to take part, whilst being more than happy to take pictures of those who don't mind feeling a bit self-conscious. A stray bit of wood causes several impromptu impressions of the orc head impaled on a spear with its tongue hanging out, and it all starts to get very silly very quickly, with tour guide Ben the obvious winner of the award for 'going through most agony to ensure people get the photo's they want and end up a bunch of happy campers'. We're due in Te Anau for 1pm, where the afternoon is free to book optional helicopter flights, plane cruises or jetboat trips, but we seem to have spent a lot of time at 'Fangorn Forest' and I'm not convinced we're going to make our hotel in time to make best use of the afternoon. My concerns grow when a 'five minute rest stop - no more than five minutes please' near the Mavora lake, turns into something more like 50 minutes. Those who've waited on the bus are not best pleased when the rest of us return so late. The problem is two fold: the scenery is stunning and extremely reminiscent of the riverbank where Frodo and Sam leave The Fellowship near the end of the first movie, with incredibly light blue waters caused by mountain dust; and our tour guide and a few others discover a 'swing bridge' which people feel they just have to cross. Unfortunately it's only really safe to take one person at a time which causes a LOT of delays in getting everyone together to get back on the coach. Having eventually got everyone back on the coach, we discover the real location for the breaking of the Fellowship only 10 minutes further on, and things go slightly awry again. This is meant to be our lunch stop, but our tour guide Ben says 'Maximum five minutes' before adding 'Only joking!'. Unfortunately not everyone hears the 'Only joking' part and confusion abounds. Net result - we spend half an hour visiting the site and then people realise this is the lunch break and start lunch, which causes further delay. In truth there couldn't be a better location to spend some extra time - the location is exactly as I remember it from the movies, with scenery so stunning I'm risking becoming a complete bore on the subject of the vistas of New Zealand. I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever find some scenery on our trip that isn't stunning! The only real problem at this particular location is the sand flies, subtle little devils who bite you while you're not looking, leaving an incredibly itchy area for days afterwards. Insect repellant is a must around this area! We eventually arrive at Te Anau at around 3.15pm. First impressions are not favourable as the place looks like 'Tourist Central' with coaches all over the place and a lake front that appears to be one hotel after another. The place is very busy, which I later find out is probably owing to the fact a triathlon has just taken place here. It's up to us to arrange our optional activities, and I dump my bags as quickly as possible and rush off to the main information/booking centre - which is packed with people! Down the road is a helicopter tour booking centre, but alas they tell me there is no chance of getting any places on the tours left for that afternoon as everything is full. The air tour company booking centre just down the road from it is closed. The tourist centre say that basically everything is full and I need to book a day or two ahead of time.
End result: I am not a happy bunny until I get lucky and bump into some fellow Red Carpet tour travellers who have discovered that there is a 'jet boat' tour of 'the river Anduin' (the River Waiau) available through the hotel at 6.45pm, and six of us end up getting booked on it. Other travellers seem happy to retire to their hotel rooms to watch TV, go on an impromptu hike, or just do their laundry. The jet boat tour lasts 90 minutes including bus pickup and is advertised with the slogan 'Take a pinch of adrenalin and a heap of natural beauty'. The Australian couple running the tour are very friendly (Lex, who used to sheep farm until four years ago, is the boat driver, his wife drives the hotel pickup bus) and we are equipped with gloves, life-jackets and wooly hats before mounting what is effectively a hyped up speed-boat. Unfortunately the weather is not fantastic, with clouds everywhere and the possibility of rain. The river is impressive, but one can't help thinking how much more impressive it would be if the sun were shining. Lex has obviously done his homework and knows all the sites that actually appear in the theatrical cut of the movie, stopping the boat at each one. He asks me the same question as his wife has asked me on the bus, after learning that I have seen the third movie, 'Return of the King': 'Is the river featured in it?'. In all honesty I can't remember a river (I have forgotten about the Corsair ships, but suspect they were in a computer-generated terrain anyway), let alone whether the river featured is the river Waiau or not. The advertised 'adrenaline pinch' turns out to be a very small pinch indeed - a couple of fast turns that are great fun, and cause my fellow travellers to sign the guest book with the comment 'not enough spins'. All-in-all the boat trip, which returns to base after visiting the impressive Lake Manapouri ('lake of many islands', according to our guide; 'lake of the sorrowing heart', according to the Ian Brodie guide book - both seem apt!), has rescued what had, at one stage, looked like being a wasted afternoon and evening. Boat trip over, it's time for an early night with a 7.45am start tomorrow and thankfully no delays caused by packing luggage on the coach as we have two nights at our hotel. Tomorrow is a 'Lord of the Rings' theme -free day with a cruise down Milford Sound (not used in the film) planned and a free afternoon to try and slot in some other activity. Back to Day 12 report Forward to Day 14 report Stay tuned for future reports (indicated by a photo appearing in the main Itinerary calendar)

Email: ian@iansmith.co.uk